Fall sports season is here. That means practices, games, tournaments, uniforms, equipment, team photos, carpools, and most frustratingly, and a calendar that suddenly seems to have absolutely no blank spaces. For divorced and separated parents, youth sports can add another layer of complication.
Who gets to decide whether your child plays? Who pays for it? What happens when practices fall during the other parent’s parenting time? Who is responsible for transportation? And what happens when an out-of-state tournament lands squarely on Mom’s weekend?
Whether your child plays hockey, soccer, football, cheer, dance, lacrosse, or something else entirely, a little cooperation before the season begins can prevent a lot of conflict once the games get underway.
Don’t Sign Your Child Up and Ask Questions Later
Your child may desperately want to play travel hockey. But registering them for a team that practices three nights a week and travels every other weekend can significantly affect both parents.
Depending on your custody orders, extracurricular activities may be something parents are expected to discuss and agree upon, particularly when the activity affects the other parent’s parenting time or creates a significant financial obligation. Before clicking “Register,” talk to your co-parent. Discuss the schedule, anticipated costs, transportation requirements, tournaments, and how the activity will affect each parent’s time with the child. Signing your child up first and telling the other parent afterward is rarely a great way to start the season.
“It’s My Weekend” Doesn’t Necessarily Solve the Problem
One of the most common sports-related co-parenting disputes sounds something like this:
“The game falls on my weekend, and I’m not taking him. It’s my parenting time.”
Yes, parents are entitled to their parenting time. But children also benefit from consistency and from being able to participate in activities that are important to them. If both parents agreed that the child could participate in the sport, it is generally reasonable to expect that both parents will make an effort to get the child to practices and games, even when those events fall during their respective parenting time.
Remember: your child’s team schedule isn’t designed around your custody schedule. Try not to put your child in the position of having to choose between spending time with a parent and being there for their team.
Share the Driving
Youth sports can sometimes feel like a second job.
There are practices. Games. Early-morning ice times. Weeknight training. Tournaments hours away. And somehow the child always forgets one piece of equipment at the other parent’s house. Whenever possible, share the burden. If Mom drives to practice on Tuesday, perhaps Dad handles Thursday. If one parent takes the child to an away tournament, maybe the other handles another weekend. You don’t have to divide every mile exactly 50/50. The goal should be to create a system that works for your child and is reasonably fair to both parents.
Money, Money, Money!
Youth sports can also be expensive. Registration fees may only be the beginning. Depending on the sport, parents may also be paying for:
- Uniforms;
- Equipment;
- Skates, sticks, cleats, or other gear;
- Private lessons or training;
- Tournament fees;
- Team fees;
- Hotels;
- Travel expenses; and
- Meals on the road.
Before committing to an activity, parents should discuss who is paying for what. Your parenting agreement or court orders may already address how extracurricular expenses are allocated. If they do, follow them. If they don’t, have the conversation before spending the money—not after one parent has paid a $2,000 registration fee and sends the other a request for half.
Tournaments Require Extra Planning
Tournament weekends can create their own category of co-parenting headaches. An out-of-state tournament may interfere with the regular parenting schedule. There may also be hotel reservations, travel expenses, school absences, or even consent requirements depending on the circumstances. To alleviate any unnecessary frustration, share tournament schedules as soon as you receive them If parenting time needs to be adjusted, discuss make-up time in advance rather than waiting until the night before the trip. A little flexibility can go a long way.
Both Parents Are Allowed to Cheer
Unless your court orders say otherwise, a child’s sporting event generally isn’t an occasion where only the parent exercising parenting time gets to participate. Your child may have a game during Dad’s weekend. Mom may still want to attend. That’s a good thing. Children benefit from knowing that both parents support them. They shouldn’t have to look into the stands and wonder whether Mom and Dad can manage to be in the same building for an hour without creating tension.
You don’t have to sit together.
You don’t have to socialize.
You don’t even have to particularly like each other.
But you should be able to attend your child’s game and make the experience about your child.
Keep the Sidelines Drama-Free
This deserves its own rule:
Do not turn your child’s sporting event into family court.
Don’t argue about child support in the parking lot. Don’t confront your co-parent about a missed exchange between periods. Don’t complain about the divorce to other parents on the team. And please don’t use coaches, team managers, or other sports parents as messengers between you. Your child’s teammates and coaches do not need to know the details of your custody dispute. More importantly, neither does your child need to worry that every game will result in an argument between their parents. Cheer for your child. Be polite. Handle adult issues somewhere else.
Don’t Make the Coach Co-Parent with You
Coaches have enough to manage. If there are two households, both parents should make an effort to stay informed about schedules, practices, games, team communications, and changes. Download the team app. Join the email list. Check the schedule. Don’t expect your co-parent to forward every communication, and don’t expect the coach or team manager to individually update you because you and your former spouse aren’t communicating. Being divorced doesn’t relieve either parent of the responsibility to stay informed.
Remember What is Important
Perhaps the most important thing parents can do during sports season is remember why they’re there. Your child’s game is not about your divorce. It isn’t about whose parenting weekend it is. It isn’t about which parent paid for the equipment. It isn’t about who drove farther, who volunteered more, or who brought the post-game snacks.
It’s about your child.
Sports can teach children teamwork, responsibility, perseverance, confidence, and how to handle both winning and losing. Co-parents have an opportunity to model some of those same skills. Communicate. Cooperate. Be flexible when you can. Follow your parenting agreement. And when the puck drops, the whistle blows, or the first pitch is thrown, leave the co-parenting conflict on the sidelines.
At Wolf & Shore Law Group, we help parents navigate custody, parenting-time, extracurricular activity, and post-judgment disputes. If sports schedules (or disagreements about them) are creating conflict in your co-parenting relationship, our experienced family law attorneys can help you understand your rights, responsibilities, and options. We take the time to listen, explain your legal options, and help you determine the best course of action for you and your family. Contact us today at 203.745.3151 or info@wolfandshorelawgroup.com. Ever Argue with a Woman?
