Dear Attorneys,
My ex-husband has a new girlfriend, and I feel like she has basically taken over his role as a parent. She picks our kids up from school, takes them to practices, helps with homework, communicates with their teachers, and is often the one taking care of them when they’re supposed to be with their father. She has even disciplined them and tried to talk to me about parenting issues.
I understand that she’s part of his life, and I’m not trying to dictate who he dates. But if our children are supposed to be spending parenting time with their father, shouldn’t HE actually be the one parenting them? At what point does a helpful new partner cross the line? Can I do anything about this?
Sincerely,
Confused Co-Parent
Dear Confused,
This is an increasingly common (and understandably frustrating) situation for divorced and separated parents. First, there is an important distinction between a new partner helping with parenting responsibilities and a parent essentially delegating his or her parenting role to someone else.
A new boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or other household member helping with the children is not inherently problematic. Parents routinely rely on other people for assistance. Grandparents pick children up from school. Stepparents drive children to soccer. Babysitters make dinner. Family members help with homework. A parent’s new partner doesn’t suddenly become prohibited from helping simply because the parents are divorced. The bigger question is: Who is actually exercising the parenting time?
Parenting time is supposed to be time with the other parent. For example, if the father has parenting time Wednesday evening but works until 8:00 p.m., and his girlfriend picks the children up from school, takes them to dinner, supervises homework, and gets them ready for bed every Wednesday, Mom may reasonably wonder why the children aren’t simply with her until Dad is available. An occasional scheduling issue is one thing. A consistent pattern may be a bigger concern.
Whether you can legally object depends heavily on the language of your parenting plan and the circumstances of your case. For example, some parenting agreements contain a “right of first refusal” provision. These provisions can require a parent who will be unavailable for a certain period of time during his or her parenting time to first offer the other parent the opportunity to care for the child before arranging for a babysitter or another third party.
However, not every parenting plan contains this provision, and the details matter. A right of first refusal might apply after a certain number of hours, for an overnight absence, or under other specifically defined circumstances. Without such a provision, the fact that your ex relies on a new partner for some childcare does not necessarily mean that he or she is violating a court order.
Additionally, while a co-parent’s new partner can certainly help with the day-to-day realities of raising children, it does not ordinarily give that person the same legal decision-making authority as a parent. If you and your former spouse share joint legal custody, the two of you remain responsible for major decisions affecting your child, including significant issues involving education, medical care, and other matters covered by your custody orders. Your ex’s new partner does not simply become a third member of your joint-custody arrangement.
That’s where situations like communicating directly with teachers, making decisions about school, scheduling medical appointments, or attempting to negotiate parenting issues directly with the other parent can become more complicated.
There’s a difference between “I’ll pick up Emma from soccer” and “I’ve decided Emma shouldn’t play soccer anymore.”
One is helping. The other may be attempting to exercise authority that belongs to the child’s parents.
Discipline may be an even harder issue to tackle.It is unrealistic to expect that another adult living in the household will have absolutely no authority over children in that home. A stepparent or partner may reasonably enforce household rules—bedtimes, cleaning up after yourself, appropriate behavior, and similar everyday expectations. But there can be a difference between maintaining reasonable household rules and taking over significant disciplinary decisions. If a new partner’s discipline is inappropriate, excessive, or affecting the child’s welfare, that is a different and potentially much more serious issue.
The focus for this issue, just like any other under the “family law umbrella” in Connecticut is generally based on the child’s best interests. If the children are safe, cared for, getting to school and activities, and maintaining a healthy relationship with each parent, a court may view assistance from a new partner very differently than a situation where one parent is routinely absent and the new partner has effectively become the children’s primary caregiver during that parent’s parenting time. Ultimately, the parents are the parents and generally need to be the ones communicating about parenting schedules, making major decisions, discussing significant school or medical issues, and resolving disagreements concerning their children. A new partner can be supportive without becoming the intermediary between former spouses.
If you’re concerned that your former spouse is delegating too much parenting responsibility to a new partner, consider the overall pattern.
Is the girlfriend occasionally doing school pickup because Dad has a late meeting?
Or is she doing pickup every day?
Does she sometimes take the child to hockey?
Or does she transport the child to virtually every practice and game while Dad rarely attends?
Is she copied on a school email?
Or has she effectively replaced Dad as the person communicating with teachers and making educational decisions?
Those distinctions matter.
So, Can You Do Anything About It?
Potentially. But the first step is determining whether there is actually a legal issue-and it cannot be based simply on not liking the new partner or saying that he or she is overstepping without having proof of such. Review your existing custody and parenting orders. Find out whether you have a right-of-first-refusal provision or other language addressing childcare, third parties, communication, or decision-making. If the current arrangement has become substantially different from what was contemplated when your parenting plan was entered, or if you believe your child’s best interests are being affected, it may be appropriate to speak with a family law attorney about your options.
At Wolf & Shore Law Group, we help parents navigate custody, parenting-time, post-judgment, and co-parenting disputes—including the complicated issues that can arise when new partners become part of the family dynamic. If you’re unsure whether your ex’s new partner is simply helping or has crossed a legal boundary, we can help you understand your parenting plan and your options. Call Wolf & Shore Law Group at 203.745.3151 to schedule a virtual consultation today. Ever Argue with a Woman?
Very Truly Yours,
Wolf & Shore Law Group
*The situations represented in our Dear Attorneys column are entirely fictional and any resemblance to a specific case is unintentional. We cannot, and will not, offer legal advice to anyone who is not a client. However, if you do have questions or concerns, you should contact an attorney at your convenience.
